GoFundMe Campaign: "HELP VOLDEMORT GET A NOSE (And Other Basic Human Rights)" Organizer: Lucius Malfoy ("Concerned Death Eater & Aesthetic Advocate") CAMPAIGN DESCRIPTION: "My dear wizarding brethren, For too long, the Dark Lord has suffered in silence—faceless, noseless, and forced to rely on Parseltongue auto-tune to sound intimidating. But no more! With your help, we can correct this great injustice (and also maybe get him some chapstick—those lips look painful). ? GOAL: 1,000,000 Galleons ? (Or one really good Polyjuice donor.) WHAT YOUR DONATION COVERS: ?? The 'Nosferatu No More' Package – A custom, ethically sourced nose (options: "Classic Aristocrat," "Villainous Hook," or "Surprise Me!"). ?? Moisturizer & Exfoliation Spell Package – *"You-Know-Who shouldn't have to You-Know-Ashy."* ?? Hogwarts Alumni Discount – Because Dumbledork's curse insurance still won't cover "self-inflicted dark magic side effects." ?? Stretch Goal: Eyebrows – "Let's not stop at noses, people." DONOR PERKS: ?? 5 Galleons: A personalized hiss from the Dark Lord ("Thhhanksss"). ?? 100 Galleons: Your name etched into a future Muggle-taxation law. ?? 500 Galleons: Witness his first sneeze (historic moment!). ?? 1,000 Galleons: "Honorary Death Eater" title (includes black robe rental and one (1) free Crucio on the coworker of your choice). TESTIMONIALS: "I donated 10 Galleons just so I don't have to look at his face holes during meetings." – Bellatrix Lestrange *"As a fellow nose-haver, I support this cause."* – Severus Snape (probably under duress) "I'd rather donate to a dementor's dental plan." – Harry Potter (Verified 'Chosen One') FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: ? "Why not just use Polyjuice?" A: "He tried. Turns out 'random Hogwarts student' isn't the vibe he's going for." ? "Will this make him less evil?" A: "No, but he might be slightly less insecure about it." ? "What if he uses the money for Horcruxes instead?" A: "…Don't ask questions you don't want hissed at you. " UPDATES: ?? UPDATE #1: Campaign flagged by Gringotts for "suspicious activity." Joke's on them—we're all about suspicious activity. ?? UPDATE #2: Stretch goal unlocked! For an extra 200K, we'll get him a single eyebrow (placement TBD). ?? UPDATE #3: Ministry of Magic shuts us down—"No fundraising for dark lords without a permit." NEW PLAN: Donate via unmarked owls or cursed Gringotts vault #666.