In a world drowning in hypocrisy, vanity, and performative wokeness, The Absolutely Necessary Guide to Being a Perfect Human is a scathing, laugh-out-loud indictment of modern society. Written in the tradition of Juvenal—the Roman satirist who mocked the corruption of his time—this book skewers everything from social media narcissism to corporate greed, political theater, and the absurdity of late-stage capitalism. Each chapter is a masterclass in how to pretend to be a functional member of society while actually contributing to its decay. Think A Modest Proposal, but with more Wi-Fi complaints. Sample Chapter Outline: How to Be "Woke" Without Actually Doing Anything The art of posting black squares on Instagram while gentrifying neighborhoods Why reading a single headline qualifies you as an expert on systemic oppression Performative activism: Making sure everyone knows you care (but not enough to donate) Corporate Mindfulness: Exploiting Workers with Yoga and Free Kombucha How companies use "self-care" to justify burnout culture The illusion of "work-life balance" in a gig economy Why your CEO's TED Talk about empathy is just gaslighting with better lighting Democracy™: The Brand Voting as a form of moral licensing (Did you really think your ballot mattered?) The two-party system: Pepsi vs. Coke, but both are owned by the same conglomerate How politicians use "thoughts and prayers" as a substitute for policy The Social Media Olympics: A Race to the Bottom Curating your life to make strangers hate you (but in an aspirational way) The rise of "hustle porn": Why sleeping four hours is now a flex Influencers: The modern-day court jesters (except they're not funny and they sell diarrhea tea) Late-Stage Capitalism: A Dystopia With Better Marketing Why avocado toast is the scapegoat for your inability to afford a house The gig economy: Feudalism with a five-star rating system NFTs, crypto, and other ways to turn imaginary value into real debt Tone & Style: Dark humor with bite – No topic is sacred, no hypocrisy is spared. Exaggeration for effect – Think South Park meets Jonathan Swift. Mock self-help format – The book presents itself as a guide, but every piece of advice is designed to highlight societal absurdity. Why This Book? Juvenalian satire isn't just about making people laugh—it's about making them angry. This book doesn't just point out flaws; it holds up a funhouse mirror to society's worst tendencies. It's for readers who are tired of empty positivity and want satire that cuts.